A New Year!

Happy New Year!

I have just realised it’s been more than 6 months since my last ‘blog’ entry and thought New Years Day was probably a good time to get things rolling again. 

2012 has been a big year.  My gorgeous daughter arrived a year ago tomorrow, my family moved from Singapore to Australia and in July I found out I am expecting my third baby in March. 

There is no coincidence that the blog entries stopped around the time of this discovery.  My ‘conflicting Kates’ kicked into overdrive and I felt (and still feel a bit) like I couldn’t talk so much about the balance of working and home life when I will now be at home for more than 2 years with my little ones. 

It’s been a bit over a year since I stopped working at the Bank.  That ‘rush’ and ‘whir’ in my head is fading fast and I can feel things slow in that area of my brain.  And I hate it.  I worry that with 2 years off I will lose my ‘place marker’ in the workforce and forget how to think in that corporate sense.  I also worry about how this will balance and what I will do when the time comes.  I now juggle playdates and swimming lessons with keeping the craft cupboard well stocked and ensuring the washing is done and the house is clean.  In my head I know how important my role is now.  I know my girls benefit from me being at home with them.  My eldest daughter certainly benefits from having a better balance of nursery and home.  My youngest has only ever known being at home with me.  And I know what a gift it is.  And yet, my self worth is harder to ‘judge’ – although perhaps that’s not the right word.  

When talking to a friend a few months ago she mentioned how hard it is to have the discussion about ‘what you do’ now that she’s at home with her little ones.  It hadn’t occurred to me, but being able to say ‘I work for an international bank’ was a big part of my own assessment of me.  It was as if by putting that out there I all at once established my smarts, my determination and my ‘worth’ in a sense.  Now I tell people I am at home with my girls and I watch them switch off.  And I find myself spinning through it and brushing it aside ‘oh me?  I don’t work, I’m just at home with my girls’…. And onto the next subject as quickly as possible.  And yet I know how important what I do is, and I also understand that this is for the most part my choice.

I read something a few months ago (and wish my slightly addled mind could remember where it was) where a woman was talking about women staying at home and describing them as putting feminism behind by making that choice.  That by being a woman and choosing to be at home I was somehow stomping on the advances of feminism.  The support systems are there (child care etc) and I should be taking advantage of such things and showing my kids that as a woman I have options and can do what I like.  It made me furious.

That said, I do see a lot of gender stereotyping creeping into my eldest daughters consciousness.  She thinks pink is for girls and blue is for boys (when everything in the shops seems to be branded this way – even lego now comes in either a pink box, complete with ponies etc – or a blue box, with tractors) and looks around her and sees that a lot of daddy’s work (her own dad and my brother – whereas myself and my sister in law are at home with the kids).  And I don’t really know how to balance this…  But tell myself that in time I will return to work and for most of her life what she will know is two working parents, but hopefully she will remember this time fondly.

In short, I love being a mum, so much so that I’m going back for more.  And 90% of the time (taking out the 10% where my daughters tantrums and tears and demands get a bit repetitive and wear thin) I love being at home.  What I miss is that opportunity for healthy debate and discussion.  I don’t want to spend my days discussing sleep patterns and discipline.   So here I am back on the blog – ready to talk about what I’m thinking and reading in 2013 so that at least I can keep myself thinking and maybe when someone asks me what I do I can say 'I’m mum and a blogger/thinker/dreamer!'?

Happy New Year! 

Living the Dream?

My eldest daughter enjoying her 'backyard'

Yesterday I hung out my washing on a clothesline - in my own backyard.  It was such a triumph I did a little happy dance with my eldest daughter as she handed me pegs.  Later in the day we sat down for dinner (as a family, around the table) with my husband home from work.  To me, this deems our move a success – by the measures I had in my head.  It strikes me now (and only now strangely enough) that these were seemingly ‘old fashioned’ goals – certainly by the way I have lived my life – and yet, that’s what they are.

I don’t for a minute expect that with these ‘boxes’ ticked my life will now be smooth sailing.  Nor has it been a smooth journey from Singapore to get here.

Our first 2 weeks in Australia were in fact awful.  After years of planning and dreaming of the day I would arrive ‘home’ with my husband and girls (something I felt and indeed feel so proud of doing) we disembarked the final flight of 3, after 36 hours travelling with a 3 year old fighting a gastric bug and I honestly thought we would never recover.  More than a week of jet lag then followed and, most disheartening of all, a day of house hunting realizing that the Australian dollar no longer goes as far as it did when I left 11 years ago – and that the state of the local rental market meant that properties were unloved, unkept and unattractive and yet ‘flying off the shelves’ as it were due to demand!  I sat in a state of shock and wondered if the decision to leave Singapore had been one of the worst I had made in my life…  whether it was anything but disruptive to my whole family.

‘Coming home’ is a funny thing.  I’m not sure what I really expected, but after years and years of thinking of this return – 4 of those involving serious planning on the part of myself and my husband – it wasn’t what I expected.  Not even close. 

I am very aware that I have changed in my time away, but I failed to really understand that everyone else had too – the city and the people.  Life had gone on living – without me – and I’m not sure I was too happy about it!  It seems strange, but I think I expected some fanfare – as much excitement from my friends to see me back home as I felt to be here… 

Possibly the biggest surprise is just how much of a challenge moving and now caring for 2 little girls full time has been – and is.  So many women (and men) do it and seem to make it so easy.  To say I struggled (and still do) is an understatement.  Two weeks ago my own mum suggested that perhaps I should go back to work.  I instantly took this to heart and felt as if I couldn’t cope in my role as a mum.  Surely this should be something I relish…?  And I do, but it’s so hard.  My eldest daughter has been used to full time nursery in Singapore and so has spent the last 8 weeks winding me to my frazzled end and apparently morphing into one of those unruly children whose parents I used to scorn in supermarkets.  What I have really struggled with is that it seems to unheard of to put up your hand and say ‘I’m finding this really hard’.

And then something shifted.  We moved into our house (we found a beautiful family home with a backyard amazingly in our price range) and our ‘stuff’ arrived from Singapore which included my eldest daughter’s treasured possessions including her ‘piglet’ toy who had been requested continually over the last 8 weeks.  And, possibly most importantly my daughter also started nursery again on Monday – two days a week where we both get our own space.  She gets to go off and flex her independence and I get to enjoy a bit of peace and some 1-1 time with my youngest. 

The time has made me aware of my reluctance (and maybe many other mums) to admit when things are tough – particularly when it involves our kids.  Did I miss the gene that allows me to automatically blossom into supermum when I had my first child?  Giving me a bottomless pool of patience?  Or, am I just a fairly regular mum, bumping into every day problems and challenges that other mums are reluctant to talk about (whilst loving my daughters with all my heart)?

Tonight I drove home after picking my daughter up from nursery – the sky a mixture of dark burnt pink and dusty blue – in my station wagon with my girls in the back – and pulled into the driveway of my suburban home to get dinner on for the family and I must confess (against all my feminist instincts) to feeling like I was living the dream, but my ‘to do list’ includes tidying up my CV…

The lessons of Singapore

It’s taken a team of 6 people 6 hours to pack the ‘contents’ of my life – to take everything out of draws and cupboards and pack them away in the back of a truck to be stored until shipment to Australia.  It’s a strange thing to watch – they don’t bother to stop and look at the framed photos or flick through the albums and smile at the memories – it’s just done, and done fast.

We have only had 20 months in Singapore, which feels like a short time when you say it out loud, but it has left a big mark on us all.  

Not long after my eldest daughter was born, my husband and I started talking about leaving England and moving to Australia, but as the conversation progressed we found we weren’t quite ready for our ‘end goal’ to be with us.  When an opportunity came up for me to work out of the Singapore office it took less than 5 minutes for us to decide to go for it.  We had hoped the experience would give us an opportunity to spend time bonding as our own little family and working out the practicalities of our dreams and goals: what was important to us; how we (my husband and I) wanted to raise our children; where we wanted to spend our lives; and what we really wanted to do with them – without the distractions and obligations of home.

Starting somewhere with a completely clean slate (no real history, no assumptions, no assessments of who we are or might be – generally) brings huge challenges, but also great reward.  I have found both my husband and I approaching conversations differently, considering new opinions and backgrounds and broadening our own views because of it.

Probably the greatest lesson of Singapore has been reminding me what is truly important.  I have recently been introduced to the idea of ‘first world problems’ (I’m told this is a term used by the ‘young ones’ these days) – which resonates with me.  I am very good at (and have always been) comparing myself to others.  What should I own, what should I have achieved, where should I be?  In Singapore there is such enormous opportunity and wealth (and it must be said much of what I have seen has been within the foreign community here), my assumptions and comparisons were put to the test.  Here, I wasn’t just considering whether I had achieved enough career wise (although this has been in my mind), but also whether I could afford the best school for my children, did I have enough pension/savings, were my holidays ample – were the opportunities I could offer my family great enough…?  And the list went on – and on.  I worried about it – a lot.  

The arrival of my second daughter shifted things slightly…  the pull of being ‘home’ in Australia (and the opportunity to ‘put down some roots’) grew strong enough for us to start making plans.  My two ‘conflicting Kates’ however, continued to argue between the importance of my career (and the continuing opportunities Singapore provided) and the draw of ethereal motherhood.

And then a friend of mine died.  She was in her early thirties with a young son and it was so brutally unfair I found myself shaken.  What really is important…?

My family – their health and happiness

My own health and happiness

Being a good, positive role model to my girls

The list could be much longer, but in short – it didn’t involve getting the next corporate promotion or making more money. 

And so the decision was made.

Today I indulged in a spot of people watching over breakfast at our serviced apartment and noticed a number of people who I assume are ‘on their way in’ to Singapore – finding their feet, working out where to live etc.  And I really appreciated how nice it is to be part of something with a real beginning, middle and end. 

As a family we’re ready for the next chapter, but so grateful for this one and what it has taught us.  Singapore has made us the family we are and reinforced our own values and goals.  I hope in the long run we can look back and see that it has made us better, truer people for the experience.  And I hope the friendships we have made here endure the distance we’re about to put between them.

Slowing down in a world of fast living...

My youngest daughter doesn’t cope well when things get too busy.  She will tolerate it for a while but ‘melt down’ if a quiet nap isn’t forthcoming and I quickly find myself in a darkened room gently rocking and soothing her into slumber.

Whilst I completely understand that this is a ‘baby’ thing (I’m sure there’s a better term to use there), I am also forced to wonder if this isn’t an approach to life that I could do with a little more of myself.

My life is busy…  Everyone that I speak to seems to be the same.  In fact, often we seem to compete (although we would all deny it) on who is busiest.  The ability to say we’re exhausted and have been racing around almost gets worn like a badge of honor – like we’re living life to the full and struggling against sleep and relaxation as much as possible.

I do have to question the sanity of this approach (and while I do, I freely admit to being the same – with an ongoing competition between myself and my husband over who is in fact more exhausted…).   Do we really need to be so busy in order to live happy, fulfilling lives (and achieve what NEEDS to get done)?  Or have we forgotten what to do with quiet time?

A friend of mine shared an interesting blog entry that she wrote this week – asking whether slow living is essential for a sustainable life.  It really made me think and I’ve gone back to read it a number of times.  Before I left Australia I ran a Massage and Natural Therapies clinic.  My life was focused on doing things as naturally as possible and seeking balance in health and life.  I don’t know where this has gone, but would really like to get it back!  So, maybe that is one of my longer term goals.  That being said, I did enjoy the challenge of the corporate world so how these two desires gel effectively is perhaps a bigger question...?

Much of our move to Australia and the lifestyle we are aspiring to is based around the principle of leading a slower and simpler life.  Less 'stuff', fewer organised activities and more time enjoying the simpler things – in particular quality time together.  The most exciting thing for me (and in my head – the one thing that if we can achieve I will deem the move a success) is the ability to have one family meal together every day.  It’s a simple goal but one that is completely unachievable here in Singapore as working hours and commute times only just (and only on some days) allow my husband to make it home for bedtime let alone for dinner with my eldest daughter. 

This all seems like a simple and easy to achieve plight doesn’t it?  It has been such a long time since I enjoyed time ‘being’ I can barely remember how to do it (about 8 years ago I spent 6 weeks on a beach in Thailand quietly contemplating my life, the universe and everything).  

Someone recently suggested how much extra time could be added to the day if I turned the TV off and they were right – I now seem to have much more time getting little jobs done rather than wasting time sitting in front of the sixth replay of American Idol which I frankly found a bit boring the first time – and yet can’t look away from.  And a few of these little tools seem to work in gaining back some time.

But the bigger challenge may come in changing my own outlook.  On the weekend we had an afternoon free.  It’s a rare thing – one whole afternoon (post lunchtime naps) with nothing we needed to do or get done.  I boldly told my husband that my daughter could do with some quiet time to just play with her toys.  He happily agreed but not 10 minutes later I was pacing around demanding to know ‘the plan’ (yes, my husband is a patient man)…  We ended up out shopping for items my daughter kind of needed (but probably could have done without), letting her play on the indoor playground (although she has a bedroom full of toys she never has time to play with) and then giving her dinner before we came home.  I just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of a quiet afternoon at home with no plans.

I don’t think we’ve always been like this.  It is something that was there in England but seems to have intensified living in Singapore.  When I was working (before the birth of my youngest) last year, my daughter was dropped at nursery at 7.45am and collected by my husband some time around 6.30pm.  I would usually be home around the same time when we would rush her through a quick dinner (must have been tough on her digestion), into the bath and a quick story before lights out at 7.30pm.  I’m not proud of this and both my husband and I hated it.  But, for both of us to have our busy full time jobs here that’s how life was.  I can only imagine how chaotic it would be if I was returning to work in May upon the end of my scheduled maternity leave - with a whole other little person to consider.  What this did lead to was what I consider guilty parenting…  Our weekends quickly filled with activities anchored around our daughter – indoor play centres, water parks, the zoo etc and shopping for anything she may desire – puzzles, DVDs etc. 

Although the time I have with my daughter has changed significantly since I’ve been at home, the weekends are still packed full of activities ‘for her’.  The completely ridiculous point in all of this is to sustain all these activities (and shopping), both my husband and I need to work.

I am hoping that new surroundings will help us to change these habits and embrace quieter things.  But, I’m aware that I am going to need to be conscious of this and make a decision (and ongoing little decisions) to simply ‘be’ - at least some of the time.   And that in itself is another journey!

And of course the bigger question – how do I then sustain that when it does come time to return to work?

Quick update on last weeks commitments…  Making any sort of pledge over nutrition and eating habits is a stupid, stupid idea the week of Easter…  I will take this on from now…  Otherwise I’m doing well – will update later in the month.