The lessons of Singapore

It’s taken a team of 6 people 6 hours to pack the ‘contents’ of my life – to take everything out of draws and cupboards and pack them away in the back of a truck to be stored until shipment to Australia.  It’s a strange thing to watch – they don’t bother to stop and look at the framed photos or flick through the albums and smile at the memories – it’s just done, and done fast.

We have only had 20 months in Singapore, which feels like a short time when you say it out loud, but it has left a big mark on us all.  

Not long after my eldest daughter was born, my husband and I started talking about leaving England and moving to Australia, but as the conversation progressed we found we weren’t quite ready for our ‘end goal’ to be with us.  When an opportunity came up for me to work out of the Singapore office it took less than 5 minutes for us to decide to go for it.  We had hoped the experience would give us an opportunity to spend time bonding as our own little family and working out the practicalities of our dreams and goals: what was important to us; how we (my husband and I) wanted to raise our children; where we wanted to spend our lives; and what we really wanted to do with them – without the distractions and obligations of home.

Starting somewhere with a completely clean slate (no real history, no assumptions, no assessments of who we are or might be – generally) brings huge challenges, but also great reward.  I have found both my husband and I approaching conversations differently, considering new opinions and backgrounds and broadening our own views because of it.

Probably the greatest lesson of Singapore has been reminding me what is truly important.  I have recently been introduced to the idea of ‘first world problems’ (I’m told this is a term used by the ‘young ones’ these days) – which resonates with me.  I am very good at (and have always been) comparing myself to others.  What should I own, what should I have achieved, where should I be?  In Singapore there is such enormous opportunity and wealth (and it must be said much of what I have seen has been within the foreign community here), my assumptions and comparisons were put to the test.  Here, I wasn’t just considering whether I had achieved enough career wise (although this has been in my mind), but also whether I could afford the best school for my children, did I have enough pension/savings, were my holidays ample – were the opportunities I could offer my family great enough…?  And the list went on – and on.  I worried about it – a lot.  

The arrival of my second daughter shifted things slightly…  the pull of being ‘home’ in Australia (and the opportunity to ‘put down some roots’) grew strong enough for us to start making plans.  My two ‘conflicting Kates’ however, continued to argue between the importance of my career (and the continuing opportunities Singapore provided) and the draw of ethereal motherhood.

And then a friend of mine died.  She was in her early thirties with a young son and it was so brutally unfair I found myself shaken.  What really is important…?

My family – their health and happiness

My own health and happiness

Being a good, positive role model to my girls

The list could be much longer, but in short – it didn’t involve getting the next corporate promotion or making more money. 

And so the decision was made.

Today I indulged in a spot of people watching over breakfast at our serviced apartment and noticed a number of people who I assume are ‘on their way in’ to Singapore – finding their feet, working out where to live etc.  And I really appreciated how nice it is to be part of something with a real beginning, middle and end. 

As a family we’re ready for the next chapter, but so grateful for this one and what it has taught us.  Singapore has made us the family we are and reinforced our own values and goals.  I hope in the long run we can look back and see that it has made us better, truer people for the experience.  And I hope the friendships we have made here endure the distance we’re about to put between them.

Slowing down in a world of fast living...

My youngest daughter doesn’t cope well when things get too busy.  She will tolerate it for a while but ‘melt down’ if a quiet nap isn’t forthcoming and I quickly find myself in a darkened room gently rocking and soothing her into slumber.

Whilst I completely understand that this is a ‘baby’ thing (I’m sure there’s a better term to use there), I am also forced to wonder if this isn’t an approach to life that I could do with a little more of myself.

My life is busy…  Everyone that I speak to seems to be the same.  In fact, often we seem to compete (although we would all deny it) on who is busiest.  The ability to say we’re exhausted and have been racing around almost gets worn like a badge of honor – like we’re living life to the full and struggling against sleep and relaxation as much as possible.

I do have to question the sanity of this approach (and while I do, I freely admit to being the same – with an ongoing competition between myself and my husband over who is in fact more exhausted…).   Do we really need to be so busy in order to live happy, fulfilling lives (and achieve what NEEDS to get done)?  Or have we forgotten what to do with quiet time?

A friend of mine shared an interesting blog entry that she wrote this week – asking whether slow living is essential for a sustainable life.  It really made me think and I’ve gone back to read it a number of times.  Before I left Australia I ran a Massage and Natural Therapies clinic.  My life was focused on doing things as naturally as possible and seeking balance in health and life.  I don’t know where this has gone, but would really like to get it back!  So, maybe that is one of my longer term goals.  That being said, I did enjoy the challenge of the corporate world so how these two desires gel effectively is perhaps a bigger question...?

Much of our move to Australia and the lifestyle we are aspiring to is based around the principle of leading a slower and simpler life.  Less 'stuff', fewer organised activities and more time enjoying the simpler things – in particular quality time together.  The most exciting thing for me (and in my head – the one thing that if we can achieve I will deem the move a success) is the ability to have one family meal together every day.  It’s a simple goal but one that is completely unachievable here in Singapore as working hours and commute times only just (and only on some days) allow my husband to make it home for bedtime let alone for dinner with my eldest daughter. 

This all seems like a simple and easy to achieve plight doesn’t it?  It has been such a long time since I enjoyed time ‘being’ I can barely remember how to do it (about 8 years ago I spent 6 weeks on a beach in Thailand quietly contemplating my life, the universe and everything).  

Someone recently suggested how much extra time could be added to the day if I turned the TV off and they were right – I now seem to have much more time getting little jobs done rather than wasting time sitting in front of the sixth replay of American Idol which I frankly found a bit boring the first time – and yet can’t look away from.  And a few of these little tools seem to work in gaining back some time.

But the bigger challenge may come in changing my own outlook.  On the weekend we had an afternoon free.  It’s a rare thing – one whole afternoon (post lunchtime naps) with nothing we needed to do or get done.  I boldly told my husband that my daughter could do with some quiet time to just play with her toys.  He happily agreed but not 10 minutes later I was pacing around demanding to know ‘the plan’ (yes, my husband is a patient man)…  We ended up out shopping for items my daughter kind of needed (but probably could have done without), letting her play on the indoor playground (although she has a bedroom full of toys she never has time to play with) and then giving her dinner before we came home.  I just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of a quiet afternoon at home with no plans.

I don’t think we’ve always been like this.  It is something that was there in England but seems to have intensified living in Singapore.  When I was working (before the birth of my youngest) last year, my daughter was dropped at nursery at 7.45am and collected by my husband some time around 6.30pm.  I would usually be home around the same time when we would rush her through a quick dinner (must have been tough on her digestion), into the bath and a quick story before lights out at 7.30pm.  I’m not proud of this and both my husband and I hated it.  But, for both of us to have our busy full time jobs here that’s how life was.  I can only imagine how chaotic it would be if I was returning to work in May upon the end of my scheduled maternity leave - with a whole other little person to consider.  What this did lead to was what I consider guilty parenting…  Our weekends quickly filled with activities anchored around our daughter – indoor play centres, water parks, the zoo etc and shopping for anything she may desire – puzzles, DVDs etc. 

Although the time I have with my daughter has changed significantly since I’ve been at home, the weekends are still packed full of activities ‘for her’.  The completely ridiculous point in all of this is to sustain all these activities (and shopping), both my husband and I need to work.

I am hoping that new surroundings will help us to change these habits and embrace quieter things.  But, I’m aware that I am going to need to be conscious of this and make a decision (and ongoing little decisions) to simply ‘be’ - at least some of the time.   And that in itself is another journey!

And of course the bigger question – how do I then sustain that when it does come time to return to work?

Quick update on last weeks commitments…  Making any sort of pledge over nutrition and eating habits is a stupid, stupid idea the week of Easter…  I will take this on from now…  Otherwise I’m doing well – will update later in the month.

Does the path to happiness actually lead to my own personal goals?

No real relevance to the post, I just love orchids!

I was sitting in a coffee shop earlier today (enjoying an extra strong coffee while my youngest snoozed in her pram) reading a magazine while I overheard a conversation at a table nearby.  I should note here that I wasn’t eves dropping – the conversation was loud – like a proud invitation to listen in…  And I can kind of understand why.  I think it was an interview between a reporter of some description and one of the shop owners – an attractive young woman probably in her early thirties.  I didn’t pay that much attention (other than my usual tut over people speaking so unnecessarily loudly) until I heard the woman say ‘I think people generally fail to implement’…  and then went on to say that ‘people’ (obviously referring to those other than herself) talk a lot about what they want to do but fail to put an action plan into place to get there. 

I think she may have been talking about me…

Don’t get me wrong – I’m very good at planning and implementing the bigger picture stuff – like having children and moving to Australia.  I’m just not very good at the smaller more personal stuff.  This week I’ve started to wonder why that is.  Over dinner with a friend during the week I was asked why I don’t place a greater value on myself and understand my own strengths and general greatness.  I must admit I don’t know the answer.  I know what I’m good at and do understand where my strengths lay.  I’m just not very good at the PR. 

Maybe that’s it?  Maybe I’m not confident enough to take the personal stuff forward?  Or maybe I just haven’t valued it up until now.  My focus has been so firmly on my family, on what they need – the ‘we’ that I’ve forgotten to find time for the ‘I’.  Sometimes the ‘I’ feels a bit selfish.  Or perhaps I just don’t have a particularly clear idea about what my greater personal goal is..?

I watched a TED Talks video this week by Sheryl Sandberg (COO Facebook).  Sheryl raised two points that have really lingered with me.  The first of these  - ‘if you’re going to leave your children to go back to work, it had better be for something good.’  The other around the hesitance of women to really self promote and push themselves forward for their skills and experience (generally downplaying their experience).  I must confess that there is a big part of me that had started to wonder if the best thing to do with my next job would be to find something 9-5 with minimal care so that I could easily walk away at the end of the day and focus on my family.  But I like Sheryl’s point.  I have two beautiful, captivating daughters – if I am going to miss any part of their lives (even for a minute) it had better be something great.  As a mother of girls I have always felt the weight of responsibility in being a strong role model for them.  What better way to be a role model than to do something I love and be passionate about it every day?

Sheryl Sandberg 'Why we have too few women leaders'

And so the bigger question – what do I want to do?  What will give me enough joy and fuel to make it OK to be apart from my girls?  And how do I shape that into a future plan?

I don’t have the answer.

I did however start reading a book yesterday called the ‘Happiness Project’ by Gretchen Rubin.  I should clarify here that I love to buy books, but I’m generally not as great at reading them.  I tend to buy them, flick through and pick out a few bits, nod my head and then put them down to collect dust.  So far I haven’t been able to put this book down.  Gretchen spends the book talking about the ‘pursuit of happiness’ for want of a better term (or less used one).  To do this she reflects on a number of great theorists over the ages and takes pieces of their advice and thinking.  The approach that really caught my eye is that she takes on one area of focus each month and works on activities that will improve her happiness in that space. 

The Happiness Project - Gretchen Rubin

It occurs to me that if I can find true happiness within myself (not dependent on my girls or my husband) – to understand what it is that really makes me happy, perhaps that will lead me to what I want to do next…

My first step is to follow Gretchen’s wise advise in the Happiness Project and focus on my physical and mental energy.  And so we come to commitment time (if you haven’t guessed I am using you dear reader to make myself accountable for my declarations).

For all of April I will….

Complete tasks as they come up (I generally have 3 or 4 niggly little things that have a way of weighing on my mind)

Exercise 4 times a week (for a minimum of 20 minutes) – this gives me great space to think and contemplate

Stop and centre myself 3 times a day (focus on my breath and let as much of my ‘stuff’ as I can go)

Turn the TV off unless there is something on that I really want to watch

Give my body the nutrition it needs (chocolate may be what it wants, not it’s sure as hell not what needs…)

Perhaps this increased physical and mental energy will aide in giving some clarity over my ‘what next’…  It would be a real shame to waste this potential clean slate that moving continent provides.