Happy New Year!
I have just realised it’s been more than 6
months since my last ‘blog’ entry and thought New Years Day was probably a good
time to get things rolling again.
2012 has been a big year. My gorgeous daughter arrived a year ago
tomorrow, my family moved from Singapore to Australia and in July I found out I
am expecting my third baby in March.
There is no coincidence that the blog
entries stopped around the time of this discovery. My ‘conflicting Kates’ kicked into overdrive
and I felt (and still feel a bit) like I couldn’t talk so much about the
balance of working and home life when I will now be at home for more than 2
years with my little ones.
It’s been a bit over a year since I stopped
working at the Bank. That ‘rush’ and
‘whir’ in my head is fading fast and I can feel things slow in that area of my
brain. And I hate it. I worry that with 2 years off I will lose my
‘place marker’ in the workforce and forget how to think in that corporate
sense. I also worry about how this will
balance and what I will do when the time comes.
I now juggle playdates and swimming lessons with keeping the craft
cupboard well stocked and ensuring the washing is done and the house is
clean. In my head I know how important
my role is now. I know my girls benefit
from me being at home with them. My
eldest daughter certainly benefits from having a better balance of nursery and
home. My youngest has only ever known
being at home with me. And I know what a
gift it is. And yet, my self worth is
harder to ‘judge’ – although perhaps that’s not the right word.
When talking to a friend a few months ago
she mentioned how hard it is to have the discussion about ‘what you do’ now
that she’s at home with her little ones.
It hadn’t occurred to me, but being able to say ‘I work for an
international bank’ was a big part of my own assessment of me. It was as if by putting that out there I all
at once established my smarts, my determination and my ‘worth’ in a sense. Now I tell people I am at home with my girls
and I watch them switch off. And I find
myself spinning through it and brushing it aside ‘oh me? I don’t work, I’m just at home with my
girls’…. And onto the next subject as quickly as possible. And yet I know how important what I do is,
and I also understand that this is for the most part my choice.
I read something a few months ago (and wish
my slightly addled mind could remember where it was) where a woman was talking
about women staying at home and describing them as putting feminism behind by
making that choice. That by being a
woman and choosing to be at home I was somehow stomping on the advances of
feminism. The support systems are there
(child care etc) and I should be taking advantage of such things and showing my
kids that as a woman I have options and can do what I like. It made me furious.
That said, I do see a lot of gender
stereotyping creeping into my eldest daughters consciousness. She thinks pink is for girls and blue is for
boys (when everything in the shops seems to be branded this way – even lego now
comes in either a pink box, complete with ponies etc – or a blue box, with
tractors) and looks around her and sees that a lot of daddy’s work (her own dad
and my brother – whereas myself and my sister in law are at home with the
kids). And I don’t really know how to
balance this… But tell myself that in
time I will return to work and for most of her life what she will know is two
working parents, but hopefully she will remember this time fondly.
In short, I love being a mum, so much so
that I’m going back for more. And 90% of
the time (taking out the 10% where my daughters tantrums and tears and demands
get a bit repetitive and wear thin) I love being at home. What I miss is that opportunity for healthy
debate and discussion. I don’t want to
spend my days discussing sleep patterns and discipline. So here I am back on the blog – ready to
talk about what I’m thinking and reading in 2013 so that at least I can keep
myself thinking and maybe when someone asks me what I do I can say 'I’m mum and a blogger/thinker/dreamer!'?
Happy New Year!
